


Anything you can do...

by Professor_Fluffy



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Banter, Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-01
Updated: 2013-03-01
Packaged: 2017-12-03 23:56:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/704108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Professor_Fluffy/pseuds/Professor_Fluffy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Random crack drabble. I felt like writing some Tony/Steve banter. </p><p>Sarcastic Steve. </p><p>Shenanigans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anything you can do...

Steve staggered off the elevator, scritching his eyes with a curled fist, shirt rumpled, hair in a riotous disarray, cheeks flushed, positively reeking of sex. Tony almost spit his orange juice across the table. He choked on a wave of sharp jealousy, gritting his teeth in annoyance. He tried a press smile instead. It probably looked worse, if the strange look Clint was giving him was any indicator. Natasha smiled knowingly. "Somebody got lucky last night."

Steve flushed and ducked his head. He gave Tony an imploring, _‘help me’_ look. Tony turned away and pretended to be absorbed in his newspaper. 

"One night stand," Steve mumbled, opening the fridge door and pouring himself a glass of orange juice.

Clint gaped. 

Tony crumpled the paper he was reading in his fist. "I’m sorry Cap, didn't realize you were into that. You can borrow my little black book anytime. I have some hot escorts on speed dial."

Steve gave him an arch look, "I don't pay for sex."

Clint snickered. "Daaaamn."

The toaster started charring Clint’s bagel slices, expelling a thick black cloud of smoke. Tony gave him a thin lipped smile. “Up past my bedtime last night kiddos. I need to get some beauty sleep. I'm going to crash at the office. I have a meeting at two.”

Natasha impaled the last slice of cantaloupe on Tony’s plate with a knife. “Don’t call me kiddo,” she smiled benignly, eating the fruit off the tip of the blade.

“Wow, noted. As is your unwarranted hostility.” Tony topped off his coffee and gave Steve a once over. “I hope you used a condom.”

“Three.” Steve said, buttering a slice of toast. 

Tony’s coffee sloshed onto his hand. He cursed, reaching for the napkin roll.

Natasha stole half of Steve’s toast. “Did you see his face when he walked out of here?”

“What?” Steve folded the comic section in half, and eyed her warily, toast dangling from his mouth.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full. Tony's face, when he was walking out the door. Fucking priceless.”

Steve blushed and set his toast down. “It was a stupid question.”

“He thinks you’re the paragon of virgins, you hurt his narrow worldview.” Clint snickered.

Steve frowned. “That’s ridiculous. I’m not sure why he’d care.”

“So, who was she?” Clint quirked an eyebrow.

Steve began filling out a crossword puzzle. “Who?” He asked.

“Your lady friend. Anyone we know?”

“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

Clint scraped the black off of his bagel and bit into it with a loud crunching noise. “How are you meeting people? You never go anywhere.”

Steve gave him a disgusted look. “Online dating.”

“Are you fucking serious?” Clint banged his fork against the table. “You’re hooking up with people on Matchmakers.com or some shit? What the hell do you write down? 6’2, washboard abs, peak of physical perfection, part time superhero, nonagenarian, likes cuddling, volunteer firefighting, and widdle puppies with floppy ears?”

“Ok, the firefighting thing was a one time thing. It’s not my fault the child’s name was Cindy Lou, or that her damned cat was stuck in a tree. I still think it's awfully convenient that Peter Parker was already there, with a camera.” Steve scowled.

“Does S.H.I.E.L.D. know about your online matchmaking bullshit Cap? Because Phil is gonna have a field day.”

Steve ignored him, pointedly obscuring his face with the newspaper..

“He's doing the jaw thing.” Natasha said. She grabbed a whetstone block and began sharpening her knives at the kitchen table.

“Traitor,” Steve mumbled.

Clint stared at her. “We discussed this. We don’t sharpen weapons at the table, it ruins Bruce’s zen. Whatever the fuck that means.”

“Which is why I’m doing this before he gets down here.” 

Steve jerked the paper down, giving Clint the stinkeye. “I’ll have you know, I’ve met some very nice people online. J.A.R.V.I.S. runs the background checks for me so I don’t meet anyone too -- out there.”

“You should ask Tony to hook you up. He knows some classy women.” Clint grinned, leaning back in his chair until he was balanced on two legs.

“Tony wouldn’t know class if it ran off with the Iron Man armor. He’s emotionally constipated. We all know what’s really going on here, don’t we?” She quirked an eyebrow at Steve. 

Steve smiled, slowly. “If Tony wants to go on a date, all he has to do is ask.”

“You’re playing him. You’ve been playing him this whole time! All that bullshit about the war taking up too much of your time, that’s some sneaky shit Cap.”

“I’m just an old man.” Steve grabbed a spoon and began spreading sugar onto a grapefruit. Actually, I’m pretty sure I still own half a bordello in France. Won it in a card game with the Commandos. Peggy was the jealous type, but she didn’t mind sharing me if we were both involved.” 

Natasha held her knife up to the light and began polishing it with a cloth.

“You knew about this?” Clint sputtered. 

She gave him an unimpressed look. “We’ve both been trained to believe looks are weapons, and let’s face it, Steve could make a rock feel guilty if he tried hard enough.”

Steve smiled and scooped a few pieces of grapefruit onto her plate. 

“So, out of curiosity, who did you hook up with last night?” Natasha asked.

“Dr. Banner and Betty have an open relationship, we were both a bit frustrated, and he suggested that I might be interested in the Victorian cure for feminine hysteria. It mostly involved handjobs and watching Vincent Price’s House of Wax. Apparently Tony reminds Bruce of Vincent. I don’t see it, personally. 

\---

Tony peeled out of the garage. 

“Sir, I think you should know, Captain Rogers is playing you.”

“Tell me more cupcake.”

“To steal one of your expressions, I believe he would like to get in your pants.”

“I’m not the marrying type, not that he doesn’t have some fabulous golden ratio bullshit going on there.”

“Then you’ll be pleased to know Captain Rogers is not, at present, engaged in the blissful state of matrimony.”

“Don’t you sass me Jarvis. Did he actually say he’s playing me?”

“I can play the audio file if you'd like.”

“No, I'm good. Two can play that game.” Tony parked the car. “Don’t give me the silent treatment Jarvis, one of us has to be the bigger man, and it’s sure as hell not going to be me.” He paused. “Ok, I really didn’t think that through before I said it, strike that.” 

\----

“Steve and Tony show, five o’clock,” 

Tony was leaning against the doorframe watching Steve do pull ups. They were all down in the gym, finishing up for the evening.

“He’s got to realize that shit is intentional.” Clint grabbed an energy bar and sat on the bench next to Natasha. “When we hit the showers yesterday, Cap was singing National Anthem by Lana Del Rey. You know Tony just bought a Bugatti Veyron, right? Steve’s not even trying to be subtle. I bet I can move this shit along.” Clint bounced to his feet and took off across the gym, headed toward Steve.

“What’s Barton doing?” Coulson handed Natasha a stack of blank paperwork and offered her a chocolate donut. “I need your TI-571 requisition forms by Tuesday.”

“Adding orgies to the team activity roster.”

“That sounds pleasant.” 

Natasha stole another donut. “I think he’s asking Steve out.”

Coulson’s fingers stilled. “Yes, well, I can see why he’d want to do that. They’d be very good together. I’d better hit the showers. Lots of paperwork to finish.”

Natasha nodded and watched him head toward the locker room, hands curled at his side. Her eyes narrowed. “Idiots,” she muttered darkly. 

When she turned to look at Tony, he was frowning. Steve nodded at Clint and patted his back. He saw Natasha watching and winked. She waggled her fingers at him. Clint was making a complete ass of himself, flexing his biceps, and posing shamelessly. 

“So”, Natasha slid into Tony’s personal space. “They make a cute couple?”

Tony snorted, “Clint’s got a fine ass, I’d hit that, if I were into men.”

Natasha choked. 

“Are you ok?” Tony said, unwrapping a sandwich and taking a large bite.

“You blew David Bowie backstage at a concert in the 80’s Tony. It’s no wonder Pepper moved on to greener pastures, you are severely underestimating my deductive reasoning right now.”

“Phase.” He grabbed the pickle spear and took a bite. 

“Do tell, you can trust me to keep a secret.”

“For some reason, I don’t believe you. You strike me as untrustworthy, the sort of person who goes around jabbing sharp needles into men’s necks the second they let their guard down.”

“Yes, I’m not sure why I did that. Imagine, had I shown a little restraint, I might not be listening to you right now.” 

“That seems unnecessarily harsh.”

“Yet here you sit.”

“Does that mean we’re friends? Was that an overture of friendship I just heard?” 

She smiled and grabbed his coffee. “No.”

“Hey, I had that imported from France. I take it back, I don’t think I want to be friends. Friends keep their damned grabby hands off my coffee,” he yelled at her retreating back.

“You mean this?” Steve was looming over him, holding a scalding cup of coffee in one hand. 

“You are my favorite person right now,” Tony grabbed the coffee cup with both hands. 

“Don’t burn your mouth.”

Tony gave him an arch look, “I am an aficionado of putting hot things in my mouth -- I should stop talking today.”

Steve laughed. “I’ll bet. So, I hear you’re not into men?”

Tony almost fumbled the coffee lid, “I need you to stop saying shit like that when I have scalding liquid in my hands, please. I keep forgetting you can hear everything. Did I soundproof your walls? Is it my fault you’re picking up horrible things? Should I have Jarvis block the porn channels?”

“I would hate for you to lose so much muscle tone in your arms, sir.” Jarvis said.

“That is gross insubordination.” 

“That would imply a programming error on your part.”

"Getting real tired of your mouth Jarvis. Right. No more drunk programming. But enough about me, Steve, let’s talk about you. You don’t need to have one night stands, we can find you someone long term.”

Steve grinned. “What did you have in mind?”

“Tell you what, I’ll pencil you in a bit over the next few weeks. We can go out to lunch, talk about your type.”

“My type?” Steve sat on the bench next to him. 

“You know, your type of woman, intelligent, charismatic, looks.”

“Yes, intellegence, very charismatic, stubborn, doesn’t like bullies, dark hair, dark eyes --”

“Exactly! We can talk about it over lunch.” Tony smirked, and slapped Steve on the back. “Don’t worry, enjoy your date with Barton, and don’t let him pressure you into sex, ok. Awesome. Well places to go, people to talk to.” 

Clint sauntered over. “So how’d it go?” 

“He wants to know about my type, warned me not to let you get too handsy on the first date.”

“You, who’s worried about you? I’ll have you know, I’m not that kind of boy. So, where are we going?”

Steve grinned. “Target Range?”

“Baby, you take me to the nicest places.” 

\---  
“He wants to go to a massage parlor. It sounds nice.” Steve lined his pencils up in neat rows.

“No, don’t let him take you to a massage parlor. He tried that one time before we were together, and it turned out when he said Julio would really help me relax, there was an unspoken emphasis on the relaxation bit. He had the decency not to go with me, your luck, you’ll end up in a bathhouse in soho getting handjobs and he’ll walk out with a new multi-billion dollar contract for Stark Industries. On second hand, I give you my blessing, he has to get some work done.”

“Ah, thanks Pepper, I’ll get back to you on that.” Steve hung up and dialed Tony. 

When someone picked up on the other end Steve blurted, “we are not going to a massage parlor for happy endings.”

“Tried that one on you too, huh?” Colonel Rhodes said. “Let me just hand you over to Tony.”

“Pepper ratted me out hmmm?”

“You have the romantic sensibilities of a lemming.”

“I’ll have you know lemmings are adorable. They’re survivors. Arctic survivors. Which implies that my romantic sensibilities are right up your alley, Cap. So you may want to rethink that analogy.” 

"I'm hanging up now, Tony. I'll see you tomorrow at noon.

\----

“Which car do you want to take?” Tony asked solicitously. 

Steve was carrying a black leather portfolio, like any good art student, but it bulged out in the middle. Tony rolled his eyes. 

“We should go to the beach, I can go for a run, and you can get some sunlight. Let's take the mustang.” 

“Fine, but we’re stopping for hot dogs.” Tony opened the trunk so Steve could put his portfolio away and went to grab two bottles of water out of the garage mini-fridge. Want to go swimming, Cap?”

“Sure, let me run upstairs and grab something.” 

They were halfway to the beach when Steve turned to Tony with a serious expression and said, “so, how do you feel about road head?” Tony almost swerved onto the sidewalk. “Can you save it for a red light next time, Dr. Ruth? How do you even know what road head is? I mean, yes, I personally feel that road head is a fantastic diversion, I highly encourage it. Why do you ask?”

“Clint told me it’s a great road trip game. We’re thinking about going to Niagara Falls.”

Steve grabbed the seat with both hands. “Tony, red light. Pedestrian. Stop!”

Tony slammed on the breaks. “Totally meant to do that. Barton, I should have known. I will kill him with my bare hands.”

“I’m not sure I’m going to accept the invitation.”

Tony took a right into the beach parking lot. “Why not?”

“I’m not sure we’re compatible. I’d like to explore my options.”

“Yeah, ok, I can get behind that.” Tony muttered.

“I wish you would.” Steve took a sip of his water.

“What?” Tony stared at him over the rim of his sunglasses. 

“Get behind me, you know, on the whole dating effort thing.”

“Wow, right. Ok.” Tony shifted gears. “You were saying, dark hair, dark eyes?” 

“Yes, and stubborn. They’ve have to be, to stand up to me. Eccentric. I get bored. Inventive.” Steve leaned forward and clasped his hands behind his head. “Competence is a major turn on. And a great ass.” He wasn’t even trying to hide the direction of his stare.

Tony made a choking noise. “You trying to say something Cap?”

Steve smiled slowly and stretched. “I know Jarvis ratted me out."

“Ratted you out?”

“You’ve been acting weird all week.” 

“You could’ve just asked me out." Tony smacked his shoulder. "I mean really, Barton?”

“I couldn’t help myself, those biceps.” Steve fanned himself.

“You almost gave Phil apoplexy.” Tony smirked. “So, is this going to be a thing, and if so, can we discuss that whole road head thing again? Because I'm assuming you know what it is. I'm also beginning to suspect you're a bit of a shit. I like that in a man, very sexy.”

“No.”

Tony sighed.

Steve pulled a pair of tiny black speedos out of his bag. “Not on the first date.” 


End file.
